


Goodbye

by sstarwindflowersun



Category: Mamamoo
Genre: Angst, F/F, girlxgirl
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2019-12-27
Updated: 2020-01-19
Packaged: 2021-02-25 22:41:42
Rating: General Audiences
Warnings: Major Character Death, No Archive Warnings Apply
Chapters: 2
Words: 7,267
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/21973027
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/sstarwindflowersun/pseuds/sstarwindflowersun
Summary: "I couldn't forget easily, anyone would have felt the same" | moonsun angst nobody asked for
Relationships: Kim Yongsun | Solar/Moon Byulyi | Moonbyul
Comments: 3
Kudos: 16





	1. part one; bad bye

**Author's Note:**

> Hello! This is the first fic I've written in a long time, I hope you'll give it lots of love :') 
> 
> I apologise in advance for my bad writing, I'm open to suggestions on how to improve so feel free to leave your feedback in the comments section! Thank you! <3
> 
> *this is a crosspost from wattpad (@sstarwindflowersun if you're interested HAHA) enjoy!!

_**"This is bad bye, oh bad bye"** _

in which Yongsun dies in a car crash, leaving Byul devastated

* * *

  
“You’re a manager now, I’m so proud of you! I knew you could do it” Byul wrapped her arm around Yong as they waited for their ride home. 

“Byul-ah” 

“Yes?” 

“Promise me you’ll still be happy, with or without me okay? Not that I’m leaving you or anything, I just want you to be happy” 

“Hey Kim Yongsun, why are you saying something like this so suddenly? We’ll always have each other. I’m not going anywhere and so are you” 

“I think maybe I had a little too much to drink just now…” Yong smiled sheepishly 

“But I promise you, I’ll be happy nonetheless” Byul enveloped Yong in a hug right as their cab pulled up to the kerb. 

The two sat in the backseat of the cab, on the way home after a long night of celebrating Yong’s recent promotion. The sound of the rain tapping against the windows soon drew both Yong and Byul into a light sleep. The cab drove across the highway, the sounds of the rain only getting louder and louder. The road became more slippery and difficult to drive on as the rain poured down, and Byul pulled Yong closer in her sleep to keep her warm in the cold night. 

There was a loud bang and the sound of glass shattering. Woken up from her sleep, Byul could feel the cab stop moving, but she wasn’t sure of what had just happened. She looked over at Yong, who seemed to still be fast asleep. 

She could barely make out the words, “Byul-ah, I love you” 

“I love you too," she whispered back

In the dim light from the streetlamp, Byul saw her arm covered in a dark, sticky layer of blood. She was only able to keep her eyes open for another few seconds before everything went black again. 

She woke up to the sound of machines beeping. Looking down, Byul realised she was no longer in her leather jacket and jeans. She was dressed in a blue hospital gown, and a row of stitches ran up her left arm and her leg was wrapped in a heavy cast. An IV drip was connected to her other arm. 

“Byul! You’re finally awake” Wheein leaned over the bed railing, with Hyejin beside her. 

“How long was I out for?” 

“About five days, we thought you would never wake up” 

_Five days. Wait. Five days? I need to go find yong._

Byul tried to sit up but a sharp pain shot up her leg. She winced. 

“What are you doing?” 

“I need to go find Yong, she was with me in the cab that day. Where is she now? Can I go see her?” 

The colour drained from Wheein and Hyejin’s faces. They turned away for a moment as Hyejin whispered something into Wheein’s ear. 

“Byul-ah, there’s something we think you should know”

“I don’t know how to tell you this Byulie…” 

“What? Just say it” 

Wheein looked over at Hyejin. The younger girl gave her a small nod, telling her to continue. 

“Yong unnie… she… didn’t make it,” Wheein tried her best to hold back her tears. 

“you’re kidding, right?” 

“Byulie, i wish i could be joking right now too” 

Silence. 

“The doctors said she’d been cut by the glass shards from the window; by the time they brought her here it was too late, she lost too much blood,” Hyejin finally added, avoiding eye contact with Byul. 

“Get out” 

“Byulie…” 

“Get out!” Byul was fighting to hold back her tears. 

* * *

Byul shuddered as she recalled the memory. She’d been discharged from the hospital two days ago, now she just sat on her room floor. Everything looked exactly the way it was before she’d left to pick Yong up that day, and Byul didn’t like it. She hated it. It was as though things had gone back to normal, as though Yong’s death had been erased and life continued. But things will never be the same ever again, not when she knew that Yong was never coming back. 

She picked up the soju bottle beside her and drank from it. She drank and drank and drank, trying to drown her thoughts in the soju. She knew it was bad for her health, but at this point she couldn’t care less.

_When Wheein and Hyejin said you’d left us, I really wanted to believe that they were joking with me (as to why they might even play such a prank i’m not sure, I trust them, but in that moment it didn’t feel real. it still doesn’t), and that you would peek out from behind the door frame. But you didn’t. And you never will_

_it’s not fair Yong, why did you leave me hurting?_

There was a knock on Byul’s bedroom door. 

“Come in, the door isn’t locked,” Byul shouted through the door, half drunk from all the soju she’d been drinking.

Wheein walked into the room and saw her friend in the corner, her casted leg outstretched. Soju bottles lay all across the floor and the room reeked of alcohol. It seemed that Byul had been drinking non-stop since returning from the hospital. It had only been two days, yet it seemed like she had been there for months. 

“you should really stop drinking, it isn’t going to do you any good. How are you feeling?” Wheein picked up the soju bottles and asked, even though the answer was obvious. 

“Wheein-ah, what do you mean? I've been as good as ever” Byul raised her voice again, her words slurring from the effect of the alcohol. 

Wheein sighed. She knew that the girl was drunk and that she would sober up eventually, but she also couldn’t bear to leave Byul by herself any longer. If she could get so wasted after just two days, what else might happen to her? Wheein didn’t dare to think of an answer to that. 

“It hurts, wheein-ah.” Byul had started to cry now. Visibly drunk and with her hair falling out of its ponytail, she looked like a total mess.

“I know, byul-ah. I know your heart aches, I'm hurting too.” Wheein sat down beside Byul, letting the older girl rest her head on her shoulder while she cried. 

They sat there in silence, the only sounds in the room being that of their soft breathing. 

“You should go wash up. You look like you haven’t slept in weeks.” Byul hesitated, but she eventually did get up with Wheein’s help, since she still was not used to balancing on one leg and her drunkenness didn’t help. 

Once Byul had freshened up, the two lay side by side on her bed, staring at the ceiling. 

“Byul-ah” 

“Hmm?”

“I know it hurts. It hurts for me too. But I don’t want to say that I know how you’re feeling; you were a lot closer to Yongsun than Hyejin and I were.” 

“Can you promise me one thing? Promise me you’ll stop drinking so much, I’m sure Yong wouldn’t want you to continue on like this.” Byul didn’t say anything, she just squeezed the younger girl’s hand.

“I’ve got to go now, but I’ll come back again in a few days, okay? Take care, unnie. Hyejinnie and I are here for you” 

And with that, Wheein was gone.

Byul continued staring at the ceiling, her head throbbing. Maybe she really shouldn’t have drank all that soju; maybe it was good that wheein had confiscated the rest of her stash. 

_Yongie, after you left, everyone asks if I’m okay._

_I say that I’m fine, but I know I’m not._

_I broke down in front of wheein today,_

_she found me wasted on my bedroom floor._

_She’s right, I can’t go on like this._

_You wouldn’t want me to continue living like this too, right?_

_But it’s the only way I know how to deal with the pain._

_Do you think I enjoy it?_

_I don’t, yong, I don’t enjoy it at all._

_This is all your fault, yong._

_If only you didn’t leave,_

_I wouldn’t be in this state now._

_Maybe I should get some sleep,_

_But how can I sleep knowing that I’ll never get to see your smile, hear your laughter, or squish your cheeks ever again?_

_I’m trying my best, yong, but it’s really hard._

_I hope you’re doing better up there, but I also want you to hurt like me too._

_I want you to hurt too, it’s unfair, why did you do this to me?_

_Maybe it was for the better, I wouldn’t be able to live comfortably either if you survived but had to live in pain for the rest of your life. At least you’re free now._

Byul thought about all the other horrible outcomes that could have ensued: yong could have survived, but have been in a coma, or paralyzed, or lost her memory. Would she and her heart have been able to handle that? Byul didn’t think so. Death certainly wasn’t the most desirable outcome- they could have both survived the accident, recovered and then life would continue, that was the ideal- but byul knew that it was better than any of the aforementioned; at least she knew that now, yongsun was free from pain up in heaven.

_But it’s hurting me too, yong, I think I’m losing the will to live._

_I know you love me,_

_and I know that Wheein and hyejin do too,_

_But how can I be well without you?_

_It’s like without you, I just can’t continue living._

_Not when my other half isn’t here anymore._

_Wheein and Hyejin have been really sweet, they take turns to come check on me,_

_to make sure I’m not slowly destroying myself._

_They want me to get better,_

_if not mentally then at least physically,_

_to at the very least be able to walk again,_

_But what’s the point of that if I don’t even have the will to pick myself up?_

_I know I made a promise to be happy even without you, but I can’t bring myself to smile._

_It just feels wrong, you were my other half (and you still are) and I can’t imagine normal life without you._

_Did you know that this was going to happen? Is that why you wanted me to make the promise that day?_

  
  


_This is all just a bad nightmare, right?_

_I’ll wake up from it soon, right?_

_This is all a lie, you’re still here;_

_This is a bad goodbye, yong, i don’t know what to do_


	2. part two; ten nights

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> “I’ll let you go after exactly ten nights pass”  
> in which Byul tries to let go of the late Yongsun in ten nights

**Night one**

Byul lay on her bed, staring at the ceiling- something she’d done a lot of in the past week. She’d practically lived in her bedroom for the last seven days, only leaving occasionally to make herself a bowl of instant noodles before returning to the darkness of her room. She hadn’t been up to much; she’d wake up in the morning and stare at the ceiling for the next twelve hours until the sun set and it was time to sleep again. What day was it? Was it morning? Was it evening? She had no idea. She didn’t want to know either. It’s not like she had anybody to talk to. Wheein and Hyejin were busy with work and school, and she didn’t want to bother them.

The rain fell outside her bedroom window, the rhythmic tapping of raindrops slowly drawing her into a light slumber. Just then, the sharp chime of the doorbell woke her up. 

The brunette groaned as she got up and hobbled over to the door on her crutches, her leg still in its cast from the accident. Before she could even look up to see who it was, Wheein pulled her into a hug, relieved to see that Byul was alright. 

“Byulyi-unnie! Where have you been?”

“Yeah unnie, have you been here this whole time?” Hyejin said as she realised that all the windows were closed and the curtains were drawn,. 

“We sent you so many texts and called so many times but you didn’t respond to any of them. ” Hyejin chided as they sat down on the couch.

Oh right, her phone. It was probably dead somewhere under the pile of undone laundry in her room. She hadn’t seen it in days.

“Hyejin even came by the other day after class, but you didn’t answer the door. We were so worried about you. I was this close to filing a missing persons report, you know,” Wheein put her hand on the older girl’s lap. 

_Byul remembered that day. She was staring at the ceiling again when she heard the doorbell ring, but she couldn’t bring herself to get up and open the door._

_“They’ll give up and leave eventually,” she thought as she continued staring at the ceiling._

_And true enough, the mystery visitor did leave._

_But what she didn’t know was that Hyejin had been standing outside the door, silently hoping that the door would open or that one of the lights in the apartment would switch on, hoping for any sign of life through the apartment window._

_“She’s not here, Wheeinie,” Hyejin whispered into the phone as she tried not to cry. “I really don’t know where she is.”_

Byul just sighed and continued staring at the floor. 

“I’m sorry that I made both of you worry. Don’t worry about me, I’m fine, really.” 

_Am I fine though? It’s been two weeks but I still miss Yong. When she left she left a hole in my heart and it’s only been growing bigger. I know I can’t go on like this, but I don’t know what else to do. I’m slowly dying inside and I don’t know how to save myself._

“You don’t look fine to me, unnie” 

“Yeah, Byul. Don’t try to lie to me again, I can see right through you.” Wheein said sternly as she remembered the day she found her friend drunk on her bedroom floor. 

Byul didn’t say anything. 

Hyejin got up and opened the door to Byul’s bedroom. She sighed with relief when she didn’t see a single trace of soju bottles. Wheein had told her about _that_ day, and how she’d confiscated the rest of Byul’s soju. _At least she hasn’t been drinking again._

“Where are you going?” Byul asked as Wheein got up. 

“We’re cleaning your room, actually no. We’re cleaning your whole apartment. Look at this mess, I don’t know how you can live in it” Wheein chided.

“You don’t have to-” 

“No unnie, just sit there. Besides, your leg’s still injured. We’ve got this settled” Hyejin shot Byul a reassuring smile and a thumbs up.

Byul sighed again and lay down on the couch while the other two girls got to work 

_Why are they still so nice to me? I practically ignored and cut them off for a week straight, not wanting to trouble anyone, but they still came here to find me. I don’t deserve them, not at all._

_Yong-ah, I really can’t go on like this._

_I know I said this the last time but I haven’t been doing well._

_It’s like I’m alive but I’m not exactly living either. All I do is stare into space and think all day and then lie down wishing for sleep which rarely comes. Sometimes Wheein and Hyejin come over to check on me, and I appreciate it, but it gets really lonely without you around._

_I’ve just become a burden to Wheein and Hyejin. I’m so selfish, they’re hurting too, they’ve got their own burdens too. I can’t keep making them worry about me, not any longer._

_I’ve made up my mind, Yong. I’m going to give myself ten nights. Ten nights starting from tonight and I’ll let you go._

* * *

**Night two**

Byul stared at the rows of photos that covered the white wall in front of her. Most of them were candid shots of Yong, secretly taken when the older girl wasn’t looking. Today she’d finally gone to the film shop to get her photographs developed. It had been slightly inconvenient since she still couldn’t walk, but she wanted to hold onto whatever memories she could of Yong. It was also the first time she’d left the house since the accident. 

One series of photos, in particular, stood out to Byul. It was a row of photographs from her and Yong’s dates under the cherry blossoms. She picked up the leftmost one, a photograph from one of their first few dates when they went to see the cherry blossoms and celebrate Yong’s birthday. It all started with Byul asking what Yong wanted to do for her birthday, and the older girl suggested having a picnic under the cherry blossom trees. 

_\------------------------------_

_“Happy Birthday, Princess.” Byul whispered as she snapped pictures of Yong on her camera. She couldn’t help but smile to herself. She loved everything about the older girl, maybe it was the way her long brown hair fell over her shoulders, or the way her eyes sparkled in the sun, or the way the ends of her lips curved upwards as she smiled for the camera._

_\------------------------------_

Byul later learned that cherry blossoms were her girlfriend’s favourite flower, and from that year on, every february twenty-first without fail for the next six years, they would spend the day by the river under the cherry blossom trees. 

Byul held the photograph close to her heart as the tears came. 

_One more month to your birthday, Yong. One more month and we would be by the river looking at your favourite cherry blossoms again. Cherry blossom season will never be the same again, not without you. Can the flowers not bloom ever again? I don’t want to see them knowing that I won’t get to do it with you. They were your absolute favourite. Why did you have to leave?_

_\------------------------------_

_a/n i know yong’s birthday is in february and cherry blossom season is usually around march/april,_

_but for the sake of this story let’s ignore the latter haha_

_\------------------------------_

Maybe she shouldn’t have set up her photo wall.

* * *

**Night three**

_“Yongsun unnie, she was everything I could ask for in a friend. She was kind, caring, and always putting others’ happiness before her own. Whenever I had a problem, she’s always one of the first few people I’d call to talk about it. I remember when I was fifteen, I’d argued with my mom and stormed out of the house before realising I had nowhere else to go. It was almost midnight, and almost everyone I knew was asleep. Except for Yongsun; if not for her, I probably would’ve had to sleep in the streets on that cold winter night. She was like the sister I never had. Unnie, you can hear me right? I hope you’re at peace up there, we all miss you so, so much.” A tear slid down Wheein’s cheek as she finished her eulogy._

_“Yongsun, she was simply the best. Sure, I’d tease her at times, but through everything, she always made it a point to check on those around her. It’s in her name, she was the sun and she never once stopped shining” Hyejin smiled weakly as she gave her eulogy._

_“You’re sure you want to do it? You don’t have to do it if you don’t want to...” Wheein asked when she noticed that Byul couldn’t stop picking at the scabs on her arm to calm her nerves._

_Byul hesitated, but she nodded. It wasn’t going to be easy, but she had to give it a shot. It was the least she could do for Yong._

_“For Yong,” she whispered to herself as she walked up to the mic._

_“Yongsun and I, we go way back. We met twelve years ago, when I was fourteen and she was fifteen. I was crying in a corner of the school library, and her first words to me were ‘smile, will you? I don’t know what you’re going through, but please trust me when I say you’re not alone. I’m here with you so please don’t feel like you’re on your own, I promise.’” Byul could feel the heat of the tears that threatened to fall._

_Not now, please_

_“And even till this day, she’s been there for me; through the good and bad. She’s seen every side of me, even the ugliest ones, and she’s never once left.”_

_She could feel the tension in the room suffocating her more and more with every word she said._

_“Having known her for the last twelve years, she saved me in more ways than you could imagine. She was the one who held onto me when everyone else left, the one who was always able to help me back up no matter the situation”_

_Byul took in a deep breath._

_“She was my other half, my universe- ”_

_She heard the crack in her voice as she said those words, before the floodgates opened and the tears streamed down her cheeks._

_“I’m sorry, I can’t do this right now,” she mumbled hastily as she stepped off the rostrum. She picked up her things and turned towards the exit, oblivious to the fact that all eyes in the room were on her. She went and didn’t stop until she was out in the open and could finally breathe._

_“Unnie!” Wheein called out as she ran after Byul._

_“It’s okay, Byul-ah, we all know how hard this is for you,” Hyejin said softly to the older girl who was now crying in her arms._

_“Yeah unnie, you did a great job just now. I’m sure Yongsun-unnie appreciated it too,” Wheein added as she wrapped her arms around Byul._

_The three of them just sat there in their black dresses in the parking lot, holding onto each other as Byul cried her heart out._

_\------------------------------_

Byul looked at the black jacket she’d worn to the funeral. 

_I never returned you your leather jacket. You always said that I’d look good in it, but I’d never actually worn it until that day. It’s a shame that you weren’t there to see it._

She’d received countless bouquets of white roses that day, and while she appreciated the thoughtfulness behind each gift, they just further emphasised the fact that the love of her life was gone. For good. 

_Yong-ah,_

_You should have seen the number of people who came to say goodbye to you._

_They all asked how I was doing; I said I was still alright, I didn’t have the heart to say that I’ve been dying inside. Everyone said the same thing, that they’re here for me, that healing is going to take time. But can someone ever heal from something like this?_

_No amount of condolences, “stay strong Byulyi”s and “I hope you’re okay”s are ever going to bring you back. It’s never going to be the same again. We both know that._

_I’m sorry that I didn’t stay that day, that I ran away before I could finish the eulogy. It was one of the last things that I could do for you, yet I didn’t manage to do it. I’m so useless, aren’t I, Yong?_

_It hurts like hell, I miss you so much. Why did the universe have to take you away like this?_

* * *

**Night four**

[05/01/19, 10:12:29 PM] Hyejin: 

Rest well unnie, it’s been a long day. I don’t care what time it is, let me know if you need anything and I’ll be right over! Don’t give up, okay? :-) 

Byul smiled as she read Hyejin’s text message. She always spared a thought for her friends, never hesitated to help when someone needed it, and that’s what Byul liked about her. She’d even rushed back from class to accompany Byul to her physiotherapy appointment earlier today

_\------------------------------_

_“Unnie, let’s take a break. You look tired” Hyejin said as she helped Byul back to her wheelchair and wheeled her to a bench in the clinic._

_“Tell me, what’s on your mind, unnie?” Hyejin asked when she realised Byul hadn’t said a single word_

_Byul stared at the ground, trying to avoid eye contact with Hyejin._

_“Do you think I’ll ever get better?”_

_Hyejin froze. What did she mean? ‘Better’ in what sense?_

_“Unnie, what do you mean? Of course you’ll get better, we’re all here with you.”_

_“I don’t know, Hyejin-ah.”_

_“You saw how much difficulty I had just now, I could barely walk ten metres before my leg started hurting and I needed to sit down and rest. I know the doctors and therapist said it could take anytime between two weeks and three months before it fully heals, but what’s the point? it’s not going to be the same without her, regardless of whether I get better or not”_

_“It’s just so hard, and I don’t know if it’s even worth trying. Getting better physically would mean moving on in part from it, and I’m not sure if I’m ready. It’s like this injury is one of the few things I have left to remind me of her, and as much as I want to get better, I don’t want to leave it all behind either.”_

_Hyejin sat and listened as Byul poured her heart out. It pained her to see her friend like this, but she knew that nothing she said could take all of Byul’s pain and sorrow away either._

_“I know, you can never really recover fully from something like this; and it’s easy for me to say but think of Yongsun unnie, wouldn’t she want you to get better? And if you can’t completely get over her, she’ll at least want you to be healthy again. Remember how proud of you she’ll be when you get past this stage of your life, okay? You’re strong and we both know that. So please, unnie, try your best for her?”_

_“Unnie, do you have time? Let’s go somewhere” Hyejin said as they left the clinic._

_The sound of the waves crashing against the shore filled the air as the two of them sat on the boardwalk, eating ice-cream that Hyejin had bought from one of the shops._

_Byul stared at Hyejin’s cone. Mint chocolate, it was Yong’s favourite ice-cream flavour._

_“Unnie, remember how we used to come here with Wheein and Yongsun unnie?”_

_Byul smiled. Many years ago, this beach was their happy place. The four of them would spend the day on the beach, laughing their worries away. They’d run along the shore, chasing each other and screaming as the waves tickled their feet._

_But they hadn’t come here in a long time._

_“Unnie, get better so we can run along the beach again like we used to, okay?” Hyejin whispered as the sun began to set._

_\------------------------------_

Byul looked at the walking boot that now covered her right foot. She wanted to take it off and just run away, even if it hurt; from her room, from Wheein, Hyejin, herself and this place where everything only haunted her with memories of Yong and what they once had. 

_“She’ll want you to at least be healthy again”_

_No, Byul, you can’t run. It’s such a cowardly thing to do. Hyejin is right, she’d want you to get better, life’s a living hell but do you really want to run away? Pull yourself together Byul, make Yong proud._

_Yongie, I’m going to try. I’m going to get better, or at least try to. It’s not going to be easy, but you’ll want me to get through this too, right? I’ll be strong for you_

[05/01/19, 10:43:22 PM] Byulyi: 

Thank you for coming with me today, I really appreciate it. I’ll be okay, I think. Good night <3

* * *

**Night five**

January sixth. 

They’d gotten together on this day, eight years ago. 

New Years Day had just passed a few days ago, but to Byul, it didn’t feel anything like a new year. New Years Day was often associated with celebration and marks a date of newly found happiness and starting the year on a clean slate, but it wasn’t the case for Byul. How could she be happy and start anew when the pain of losing _her_ was still so raw? 

She sat in her bedroom again as usual, just that this time she wasn’t alone. Wheein and Hyejin showed up two hours ago, their arms laden with bags of food and snacks. And they’ve been in Byul’s room ever since, keeping her company. They knew that the night of their anniversary would be especially hard for Byul, and they didn’t want her to feel alone. 

Byul looked over at her photo wall and sighed. A photograph from their very first date was the topmost picture. 

_\------------------------------_

_“Yongie, I have something to tell you”_

_“What is it?”_

_“I know we’ve been friends for a long time, but recently I’ve felt different around you. It’s as though whenever I’m with you, there’s this warm feeling telling me that I’m safe. When I look into your eyes, the world stops. When you lean your head on my shoulder, there’s this tingling sensation that wouldn’t go away even after hours._

_“Cut to the chase, Byul-ah, what are you trying to say?”_

_“Yong I- I like you” she stammered, her heart pounding so loudly in her chest she was afraid the older girl would hear._

_She didn’t wait for Byul to finish her sentence, she just grabbed the younger girl and threw her arms around her, pulling her into a tight embrace._

_“Me too, Byul-ah” she mumbled softly, just loud enough for both of them to hear._

_The feelings were mutual._

_In that moment, it was like time stopped. Maybe you could say sparks flew, but the uneasiness in Byul’s gut that wouldn’t leave her alone for the longest time finally went away._

_That cool spring night of January sixth, a fire that was their relationship started in their hearts, a flame that they knew would never go out._

_\------------------------------_

“Unnie, what’s on your mind? You’ve been pretty quiet.” Wheein’s question snapped Byul back into the present. 

“Oh, it’s nothing. Thanks for asking, though.” Byul smiled weakly. 

Wheein and Hyejin continued their conversation, keeping an eye on Byul who was staring at her photo wall again, her eyes brimming with tears.

“If you need to, cry it out, unnie, it’s okay.” Hyejin said as she moved closer to Byul. 

“I’m really sorry” 

“What for?” 

“For wasting your time” 

“No please don’t be sorry unnie, it’s okay.” 

“It’s just, I don’t know. I can feel the dark thoughts coming back again, and I don’t know if I can cope with them this time round…” Byul mumbled as she began to cry. 

Wheein, though slightly uncertain, knew what her unnie was referring to. Byul had struggled with self-acceptance and her self-worth since she was a teenager. There were days where she’d wake up and her heart just felt heavy. There could be a million things and nothing on her mind all at the same time, and she didn’t have the slightest idea of what was happening to her. 

But things took a turn for the better when Yong entered her life. Yong was the only one with whom Byul shared her secrets and her worries. And although she knew she wouldn’t be able to take all of the younger girl’s pain away, she was determined to help her as much as she could. 

Like that time Byul had called Yongsun at four in the morning, her voice quivering from a nightmare in which all the people she loved had left her without a single word. Yong rushed over to be with her as quickly as she could. 

Or that period of time when Byul wouldn’t stop crying and constantly beat herself up for it. Yong was the one who sat with her as she cried, telling her that sometimes, it was okay to not be okay. 

Or all the times when Byul would isolate herself in her room and cry, convinced that she was bothering everyone around her and that it was better to stay away. Yong was always the first to go and find her, and reassure her that nobody was pushing her away. 

Somehow Yong had always been able to calm her down, keep her grounded when the doubt and negative thoughts came creeping in. 

“ _Shh, don’t cry, it’s okay. I’m here with you and you’re safe now.”_

She had always made it a point to remind Byul of her worth, that she wasn’t alone in her struggle. 

“Take it day by day,” she’d always said. “You’ll get better day by day.” 

And slowly but surely with Yong’s help, Byul had managed to gain control over the dark thoughts that clouded her mind, and the frequency of her breakdowns slowly lessened.

_Yong-ah,_

_You took care of me in my darkest times._

_My days were painted in grey,_

_but you were the sun that lit up my gloomy skies, getting me through my darkest times._

_I can't express how much you've changed my life._

_But I want you to know that I won't ever forget you, my light, my sun, my hope._

_Thank you for everything, Yong-ah._

_I’m sorry for always receiving._

_You gave me hope and light and everything you could,_

_yet I’ve never tried to repay you._

_I’m terrible, aren’t I?_

_I’m sorry, I never deserved any of the love you’ve given me._

“I don’t deserve any of this,” Byul whispered to herself as she cried silently. 

* * *

**Night six**

The curtains were drawn, and Byul sat on her bedroom floor once again, leaning against the wall. 

The tears kept falling, and she just kept wiping them away with her trembling hands. 

She had started off with just one drink, then another, and another, until the familiar comfort of the alcohol came rushing back to her. 

The collection of soju bottles beside her grew and grew as she continued drinking, until eventually there were at least fifteen empty bottles scattered across the floor. 

Byul had always been an alcoholic, or at least until she met Yongsun. When they first met, Yong had been appalled at how much the younger girl could drink. The first few years, Byul often took her partner to bars, but she was always the one who did the drinking; Yong couldn’t risk it, she had to be the one to watch out for Byul and stop her when she started to get tipsy. 

_\------------------------------_

_“You’re really going to wreck your liver with all that drinking, you know,” Yong sighed as she watched her girlfriend down another bottle of soju._

_“But I like it, and come on, I’m strong, my body can take it.” Byul whined, before bursting out into laughter, her cheeks flushed from the soju._

_“Alright Byulie, that’s enough for today. It’s your third time drinking this week. ” Yong said sternly as she called for the bill._

_“But the night’s still young, I haven't drank that much yet!” Byul tried to protest, but to no avail._

_\------------------------------_

She’d been sober for almost two weeks now, since the first day when Wheein came over and took away the rest of her soju. But tonight, the gaping hole in her heart was craving for some soju to drown her sorrows. Usually, Yong would be the one to stop her, but tonight, there was no Yongsun to do that. So she drank. 

_I know, Yong. I know I made a promise to stop drinking so much,_

_but tonight, it’s the only way I know how to deal with the heartache._

_I’m slowly self-destructing again._

_Four more nights, yong. Four more nights and I’ll have to say goodbye._

_I’m starting to wonder if I should just give up on it. I thought I was getting better, but it’s on nights like tonight that I go back to square one._

* * *

**Night seven**

Byul sat on her bed in the dark, the only light in the room being the faint glow from the rows of fairy lights on her photo wall. A gust of wind blew in through the window, causing one of the photographs to fall off the wall. She sighed as she moved to pick it up. The photograph showed the two girls smiling brightly on the Sky Terrace on Victoria Peak, the picturesque backdrop of Hong Kong behind them. 

That trip was one of Byul’s favourite memories in their close-to-seven year relationship. It was a short, five-day getaway to celebrate their fifth anniversary. They’d been on other trips with their friends, but this was the first time that it was just the two of them abroad. And it was when they were in Hong Kong that Byul had decided that Yong was the person she wanted to spend the rest of her life with. 

She picked up an envelope she’d kept together with the rest of the photos from their trip. It held a letter from Yong. They’d written letters to each other under the velvet sky on the last night of their trip as they sat on their room balcony in the cool spring wind. 

  
  


_To. Byulie_

_Byul-ah, it’s embarrassing writing a letter to you, but thank you for going on a trip with me!! I went on a lot of trips with you, but I think I’m really going to remember this Hong Kong trip. It was tiring, but thank you for having fun and enjoying it with me. Because you were next to me, this trip wasn’t scary, but fun. I think that time spent with you will continue to be much much nicer. Let’s spend it together, and don’t fight. Thank you, Byulie. Don’t get sick, and let’s be forever. I hope that the next time we come here, this letter is still with you! I love you Byulie._

_\------------------------------_

_a/n_ _: this is a combination of the actual letters from moonsun’s episode of battle trip!_

_Translation cr: @ch0sshi on twitter_

_\------------------------------_

Byul put down the photograph and the letter. She remembered how they’d stood together in the rain hoping to see the sunset by the harbour. She remembered how they’d held hands as they walked through the streets of hong kong past midnight, through the silent city that had been alive and bustling with neon lights and sounds only a few hours ago. She remembered how they’d danced together in the city centre at three in the morning as though it would take away all their worries. She remembered how yong had leaned on her shoulder the whole cab ride back to the hotel. Those nights were so simple, yet they made her feel as though the universe was theirs. 

_Yong-ah, remember our trip to Hong Kong two years ago?_

_To this day it’s still one of my favourite memories with you._

_In your letter you said “Let’s be forever”._

_“Forever” means we’ll always be together, we’ll always be there for each other, right?_

_You’ve always had my back, through all the good times and the bad ones too._

_When I got my first job after months of failed applications, you were there to celebrate with me._

_Whenever I fought with my family over the most trivial matters, you accepted me for who I was._

_When I busted my knee during sophomore year of college and couldn’t play in the netball finals, you were there to comfort me and tell me it was okay._

_Whenever I was stressed out during finals in university, you’d always be the one to calm me down and keep me company._

_You’re the sunshine of my life,_

_And even though you can’t be here right now, you’re still with me, and you will be till the end of time, right?_

* * *

**Night eight**

_Yong-ah,_

_How have you been? I hope you’re doing well; meanwhile I’m not too sure of how I am either._

_It’s been two weeks without you, eight nights since I decided to try to slowly let go._

_As much as I’d like to say I’ve been doing okay, I don’t think I’m being truthful about it._

_I thought I’d be okay, but lately I’ve just been looking at our photographs and reminiscing over our memories. I put all our pictures onto a photo wall and it’s all I stare at while trying to fall asleep._

_I’m scared to let you go, I don’t want to forget about you. But I have to, I can’t hold on forever either right?_

_After today and tomorrow passes, I’ll make a promise to separation, I’ll try letting go like this. But to be honest, I really don’t want to._

_I’m scared, but I have to give it a try._

* * *

**Night nine**

The rain poured outside as Byul lay on her bed with the door locked and the lights turned off again. What had begun as a light drizzle in the afternoon soon turned into a downpour, and it had only gotten heavier ever since. 

As usual, she hadn’t done much today, though she did go out for lunch together with Wheein and Hyejin before coming back home and zoning out again. It really wasn’t much, but it was still better than sitting alone at home staring at her ceiling all day. 

  
  


_Yong-ah,_

_It’s been pouring all night, and though I haven’t left the house since it started raining,_

_I feel like I’m out there getting drenched in the cold rain._

_The dark clouds won’t go away and it’s starting to suffocate me._

_Usually, this is when you’d tell me to just focus on breathing. But you’re not here now; I wish you were._

_I don’t want to break down again, but when I see your smiling face in our photographs my heart starts to hurt all over again._

_It’s gotten to a point where I feel like I’m numb to the pain; it just sits there and I don’t do anything to try and make it go away anymore._

_I’m honestly so drained, maybe I should try to sleep._

_One more night, one more night and I’ll say goodbye, Yongie. Just one more night._

* * *

**Night ten**

The tenth night finally came, and Byul sighed as she packed the contents of her photo wall into a box. As much as she loved her photo wall, she knew that if she truly wanted to let go she’d have to stop dwelling so much in the memories that made her heart hurt.

_Yong-ah,_

_Remember how I promised to let go after ten nights? Ten nights have passed; It’s been hard, but I think I’m ready to say goodbye._

_They said when you lose someone you love, there eventually will come a day when you think of them and you won’t cry, you’ll smile instead because of the beautiful memories you had. I think that day has come; It wasn’t easy, but I made a promise to let you go. I hope you know I’m not forgetting you, though. And even in my next life, I’d still choose to be with you all over again._

_Thank you universe, for letting us cross paths, for giving us the chance to make all the beautiful memories we made, for bringing light into my life._

_Thank you Yong, for all the joy and laughter, but also for the tears and agony. I wouldn’t be here without you._

_I love you, Yong. Let’s meet again in our next life._

She switched off the light and closed her eyes. And for the first time in weeks, she slept soundly. 

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Hello! Firstly, I apologise for the awkward formatting in this chapter >< Sorry that I took so long to update, but I honestly can't believe that this fic I've been working on for the last two months has come to an end. I wanted to bring across the message that healing isn't a linear process; some days it feels like things are getting better but on other days you wake up and it feels like the pain isn't ever going to go away, and I tried to illustrate that using Byul's POV and how she comes to terms with Yong's death :-( Okay, enough of me rambling HAHA oops! I know this really isn't much, but I hope you still enjoyed it nonetheless because I had a really good time writing it. Thank you for reading, feel free to leave a kudos or comment if you liked it, I really appreciate it! <3

**Author's Note:**

> Thank you for reading, and I hope you liked this chapter! Once again I apologise if my writing's not up to standard, I'm quite inexperienced so this was a huge step for me :')  
> Part two is coming soon!


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